Birthday Kiss, Spank or Strumpet?
My birthday is fast approaching. (It’s November 30th.)
I’ll be 35 (remember, 35 is the new 18) and I’ve decided to ask for what I really want this year.
Now, don’t everyone run out and buy me something. I want exactly zero somethings this year. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and what I would like is: love, kindness, peace, tolerance, acceptance, chocolate ice cream and a huge influx of cash for NASA funding.
Since that’s a tough list for the individual to accomplish, I came up with some specific suggestions for your birthday gifts to me. I’ve even organized them into categories, for your gift-giving convenience. Please choose from the options below.
Option 1: 35 Kisses
I will be very happy to receive a nice kiss from any or all comers. Kisses are underrated, and they certainly spread love and affection (and possibly weird viruses – kiss healthy, people).
I love kisses.
The location of the kiss is completely up to the kisser, though please keep in mind that only kisses placed on my person will count as a birthday gift. No kissing my ring or shoes or any such nonsense. Top of my head is iffy – if you’re my dad, it counts. If you’re my 23-year-old neighbor, I think you can do better.
Those of you who should include tongue will hopefully know who you are.
Except for you, Colin Firth. You probably don’t realize that your kiss should absolutely include tongue, and if it doesn’t, you’re just being rude. And you know that the British don’t enjoy being rude.
Option 2: 35 Spankings
I will also accept spankings. Spankings can be fun, and I’m very sorry that the age-old practice of one-spank-per-year-plus-one-to-grow-on has generally been abandoned by popular society.
Of course, said spankings need to be the playfully naughty variety, not the Pa’s-gone-to-get-the-belt variety.
Option 3: 35 British Slang References To Yours Truly
This option is especially useful as a gift from some of my online friends, who might not be able to travel the distance to kiss or spank. Essentially, it involves addressing me using some lovely (in)appropriate British (or Scottish, or Irish, you get the idea) slang words.
So far, I’ve been called a cheeky strumpet, a right cheeky strumpet, a pert little trollop, a minx, a hussy, a wench, a saucy wench, a tartlette, and a strumpetty minx.
Those are all wonderful, but feel free to mix and match to create your own colorful label for me. Then, call me by that sexy label as often as you like. The more frequently, the better. If you happen to have an accent (British or otherwise), get yourself some sort of recording device. Now.
Extra Special Bonus
If you really want to make my 35th amazing, and earn terrific birthday bonus points, you’ll snog me, give me a slap & tickle on my bottom, & call me a cheeky strumpet. But watch out, you’re playing with fire with that combination. 