The Pitfalls of Hooky
I played hooky today. I had to go get bloodwork done, and had a couple of errands to run, and since my husband was working from home, he suggested that I do all of my errands and have a fun day without the kids.
It took me all day to realize that the dull ache in my stomach and the wrinkle in between my eyebrows meant I was repeating past mistakes.
I still remember sitting cross-legged on the floor of the choir practice room, my back against the itchy carpeted wall (yes, I said wall), my butt numb, my foot falling asleep. I’d have my school books and folders and spiral notebooks with me, and I’d do a bunch of reading, complete some long overdue homework, study for a test or doodle flowers all along the margins of my pages.
All of this while whichever class I was skipping went on without me, while whichever assignment was due got turned in by the rest of the class, while my teachers noted my absence in their neat and orderly attendance record as an “x” in a row with too many other marks.
I was playing hooky, hiding in the musty practice room, not to do something fun, but to avoid something decidedly not fun – the admission that I hadn’t finished an assignment, hadn’t studied for a test, hadn’t prepared for a presentation. I was buying myself some time, or just an avoidance of that day’s confrontation and look of disappointment.
Today, I had my blood drawn, I took myself out for a sushi lunch, I got my toenails painted. I also drove around somewhat aimlessly, searching for the cure or just an explanation of this feeling of dissatisfaction. Surely spending the day in quiet contemplation was the solution to what ailed me, right?
And, like I said, it took me all day to realize exactly what I was doing. I was avoiding the negative thoughts, the necessary difficult tasks, the personal conflict I always wish so desperately to escape.
I’ve made a pledge, a promise, to be my honest self, even when my honesty makes other uncomfortable. And I realized today that that includes when my honesty makes me uncomfortable.
I know I’ve let people down. I know I’ve lost friends. I know I’ve angered loved ones. And I’m absolutely certain I will do it again and again. I’m not perfect, and being an honest person isn’t easy. Doing what I want and need to do for myself instead of doing what everyone wants me to do is very difficult for a reformed people-pleaser. And it’s time to come to grips with that, and stop wishing for a magic solution that will make everyone like me. That is the fantasy wish of a small girl who believes in fairy tales.
This grown-up girl loves the fairy tales, but I see them for what they are now – fiction.
Now here’s hoping this ass-kicking princess can write the rest of her story to include adventure and love and friendship, all in one entertaining true-life autobiography.
I can relate to this so much. And I'm definitely up for coffee sometime soon! *hugs*
I know you are continuing to make changes in your life that some people will not agree with but it worries me when you say things like “I know I've let people down. I know I've lost friends. I know I've angered loved ones. And I'm absolutely certain I will do it again and again.” No, we can’t please all of the people all of the time. It is absolutely not possible. But this statement sounds like you have given up and that’s not the Jenny I'm familiar with. I hope you find the strength to locate the optimistic and happy Jenny I know.
I know you have struggled with your "people pleasing" ways so much over the years but I will be the first to point out that your biggest break through was having children. It was easy for you to give in to other people's wills and not stand up for YOURSELF but once you had to make choices and decisions for those precious little angels you were able to push through and focus on more important things. It was awesome and empowering to watch you blossom as a mother and a human being at the same time.
The people pleasing ways will never completely leave you but they weren’t all bad. They shaped you into who you are. For example, one of the things I love most about you is your gift for kindness. Some people may see 'being kind to a fault' as a weakness but I never saw you make a compromise to be kind. You’re first instinct was to always be kind to people and in many ways I believe you got back what you gave. I see that kindness in your children and it’s one of the most beautiful things you could have given them.
I have every confidence you will make it through this obstacle with flying colors as you have many others in your life. Although you may be currently “avoiding the negative thoughts, the necessary difficult tasks, the personal conflict I always wish so desperately to escape.”
You never avoid them for long and you will figure things out. We all try to escape problems but you’ll eventually deal with the ones that matter and the rest will just go away.